this is 40
The reality that I’m approaching middle age has been slowly settling in all year. There is a level of disbelief. Not because I still feel 12, 20, or 33, but because I cannot believe how quickly time is passing. And it’s only going faster.
This is 40: No Mid-life Crisis Here
I can enter 40 without a full-blown mid-life crisis because I like where I am and what I’ve done, but there is so much more I want to do. It feels like 40 is that alarm that wakes you from a deep sleep blaring: “YOU ONLY HAVE SO MUCH TIME LEFT.” If I can’t see the entire world in one lifetime or learn about every topic that interests me, what should I prioritize? So, while I’m not having a midlife crisis, I am having a moment.
As a child I recall listening to adults reminisce. While laughing together over a memory, they would say something like, “I forgot all about that,” as a story trickled back into their mind. I was baffled. They weren’t telling stories about doing laundry. They were talking about events that seemed memorable to me. How could they forget? Now I understand. A memory can be tucked far back in the crevasses of the brain. It gets lost for a time until someone brings it back into the light. Those who share our memories are especially important. Without them some of our experiences disappear.
This if 40: Vanity
At 40 my vanity surprises me. I never thought of myself as vain or someone who put a ton of stock in my appearance. In my twenties much to my mom’s chagrin I wore pajamas to the supermarket not understanding why it bothered her. Now I see anyone in pajamas running an errand and I’m amazed it doesn’t bother them to look so slovenly in public. I can’t pinpoint when that changed or even articulate exactly why it seems to matter. It pains me that my skin isn’t as tight as it used to be and I have brown spots sprouting up on my face. I have a daily skin regime now when I want to be low maintenance. My vision isn’t quite as good. I have to turn things up louder to hear them. My hair is going gray and I want it not to bother me, but it depends on the day.
This if 40: Life
This year it dawned on me that life doesn’t get easier and you don’t ever simply set cruise control and settle in for the ride. I’m embarrassed to admit I thought it did. It feels naïve. Where that concept came from, I don’t know. I watched my grandparents experience a variety of challenges into their senior years. You never maintain the perfect weight and suddenly remain there without effort. Your body changes on daily, monthly, and yearly intervals and you have to learn to live with and maintain it’s new needs.
Something can happen at any age that changes you forever. Pandemics strike. There are big problems you cannot solve and hurt you cannot take away. There are difficult people you cannot change who sometimes hurt others you love. It’s the fallacy of life to believe at some point we’ll be done. Reality is I achieve one goal and just want another. There appears to be no settling into a comfort zone and riding life out.
At first glance recognizing life will always pose challenges may seem negative and disheartening, but is hasn’t felt that way. It feels like there is more potential for growth and change. We can continually strive for what we want. Cruise control may make life easier, but it also limits possibility.
This if 40: Confidence
In a way age has reduced my confidence, which surprises me. It has become clear to me that life is not black and white and literally everything is a paradox. That makes it harder (sometimes) to know what is right. It’s easy to pick heroes and villains and tell the story in a simplified manor, but if the story seems that simple you are definitely living in a fiction.
I still seek others approval and like to please people, but I’m interested in changing that (to a degree). I’m pretty happy being amicable.
This is 40: Children
Forty made me question: do I really not want children because this is it? I really don’t. I don’t want a moment of my life to involve diapers or teenagers in my home. I never got that biological urge. I expected to. As a little girl I used to draw pictures of my future children with names like Millie, Billie, and Ezasstron (perhaps a good reason I never had kids). I’m just really happy with my life as it is. I have a hard time seeing how children might enhance it. Which is not a judgment on anyone else’s choice. Most people I know found it a great choice. It’s just not what I want. And I love the role of Auntie. Still, I’m scared I am missing out on something. And I’m scared no one will be there for me when I’m old.
This if 40: Fear
I’m forty and I’m still afraid of EVERYTHING. People are often surprised by this. They think I’m braver than I am. My fear doesn’t always stop me, but it does make life less enjoyable while it lingers on the sidelines of everything I do.
This is 40: Passion
this is 40 too
My ultimate passions have not changed. I love my family, Matt, my friends. I love writing, travel, and telling stories. I love hiking, walking, Pilates, and generally being in motion. I love people—encouraging them and hearing their stories. I crave adventure. I don’t just love all those aspects of my life—I require them. They are what fuels me and motivates me to face the hard tasks. They provide purpose, pleasure, and a joyful anticipation to my days.
My interests are broad and at 40 I feel pressured to pick what I want to focus on because there is this overwhelming feeling that time is short—just another fear I live with now. Still, what I lack in confidence from the reality that there are few definitive answers in this world has come a certainty that we are never alone, even in the moments when we feel most alone. In living out this paradox we call life, the reality that we are not in this alone makes the world that continually challenges me much easier to live in.
So thank you for reading and joining me on this journey through life. We are in this together, after all. And that is what makes life so worthwhile.
Would love to hear your thoughts on 40 (if you recall, or what you imagine if you aren’t there yet, or on whatever age you are now). Comment below or shoot me an email with your story!
Keep Reading
I completely forgot, but I guess I wrote one of these at 30–and glad I did, because that’s not what I would have remembered thinking or feeling at thirty (perhaps I’ve always been a little vain)...but here it is–dated in it’s own way.
And there is always this great plank story about trying to feel young!
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Dear Maggie,
I was surprised to hear Ashley say in our Core Balance class yesterday morning that you had just turned 40! I honestly thought you were a little older than that, like about 45. I think it’s because of all you have built with your own business. It is such a great accomplishment! I have enjoyed taking all of your classes, hearing so many interesting stories and adventures, and reading your thought-provoking writings.
I’ll have to tell you, although you may already know, that I am going to be 65 this year! It seems mind-boggling to me to be this old and to have to look at getting on Medicare! It seems to me I can remember feeling many of the same ways you describe, ever since turning 40 also. Almost 25 years ago!!! And you’re right, it doesn’t get easier, and it feels scary to be aware of how my lifetime is dwindling, and there’s so much I still would like to do. It is a bummer seeing more family and friends pass, worrying about the health of loved ones, and feeling that I can’t take my own health for granted any more. But being involved with your classes has kept me flexible and strong, and I feel like I never want to have to stop doing them. As I have told you, I’m very grateful to have the opportunity to have Personal Euphoria in my life.
So Happy Birthday, Maggie! I can see that you are becoming more and more wise and resilient, strong and confident. I wish you the best of what life has to offer!
Carol